I’m supposed to be getting married in three weeks. I should be in the final stretch of wedding planning—confirming vendors, doing last-minute fittings, counting down the days. Instead, I’m sitting here trying to figure out if I even want to marry the man I thought I knew. Because four days ago, I discovered that my fiancé took $12,000 from our joint honeymoon savings account and gave it to his ex-wife without telling me.
I’m 31F, and my fiancé “Ryan” is 38M. We’ve been together for two and a half years, engaged for eight months. Ryan was married before—to his high school sweetheart “Jennifer”—and they have two kids together: Mason (11M) and Harper (9F). They divorced five years ago, and according to Ryan, it was amicable. They co-parent well, split custody 50/50, and Jennifer has since remarried to a guy named “Brad.”
I’ve always known that Ryan’s kids would be a priority, and I respected that. I’m not trying to be their mom—they have a mom—but I’ve worked hard to build a good relationship with them. We do movie nights, I help with homework when they’re at our place, I’ve been to their school events. It’s not always easy navigating the ex-wife dynamic, but I thought we were managing it well.
Ryan and I opened a joint savings account specifically for our honeymoon about six months ago. We’d been putting money aside—$500 here, $800 there, whatever we could afford after bills and his child support payments. We were planning a two-week trip to Italy, something we’d both dreamed about. It was going to be our first big trip together, and we’d scrimped and saved to make it happen. We’d gotten the account up to $14,500, and we were both so proud of ourselves.
Last Friday, I logged into our joint account to transfer another $300 I’d gotten from a freelance project. That’s when I saw it: a withdrawal for $12,000, dated three days earlier. My heart started pounding. My first thought was fraud—someone had hacked our account. I immediately called the bank.
The bank confirmed it wasn’t fraud. The withdrawal had been made in person by Ryan, with all the proper identification and security answers. It was completely legitimate. They couldn’t tell me what he’d done with the money, just that he’d withdrawn it.
I called Ryan at work, trying to stay calm. “Hey, did you take money out of our honeymoon account?”
There was a pause. Then: “Yeah, I was going to talk to you about that tonight.”
“You took out twelve thousand dollars and you were going to tell me tonight? Ryan, what’s going on?”
Another pause. “Can we talk about this when I get home? I don’t want to get into it over the phone.”
I spent the next four hours spiraling. Was he in trouble? Gambling debt? Secret addiction? Had he gotten scammed? My mind went to every possible worst-case scenario except the one that actually happened.
When Ryan got home, he sat me down with this serious expression and said, “Okay, so Jennifer needed help with some expenses for the kids.”
I stared at him. “What kind of expenses require twelve thousand dollars?”
He explained that Jennifer and Brad were having financial difficulties. Brad had recently lost his job, they’d gotten behind on their mortgage, and Jennifer had asked Ryan if he could help out. She’d specifically mentioned that Mason needed braces, Harper needed a new laptop for school, and they were struggling to cover extracurriculars like Mason’s travel soccer and Harper’s piano lessons.
“So you gave her our honeymoon money?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“It’s for the kids, Sarah. Mason really needs those braces, and if they lose the house, where are my kids going to live?”
“Ryan, they live with you fifty percent of the time. And Jennifer is married to Brad—why is her financial situation your responsibility?”
“They’re my kids. Their wellbeing is always my responsibility.”
“But twelve thousand dollars? Without even discussing it with me? That was our money. Our honeymoon. Our wedding is in three weeks!”
He got defensive. “I knew you’d react like this. That’s why I wanted to just handle it and we could talk about rebuilding the fund after the wedding.”
“Rebuilding the fund? Ryan, we’ve been saving for six months! Do you know how long it’ll take to save twelve thousand dollars again? And you just gave it away without even telling me?”
“I didn’t give it away. It went to my children. Don’t you care about Mason and Harper?”
That’s when I lost it. “Of course I care about them! But this isn’t about the kids—this is about you making a massive financial decision that affects both of us without even consulting me! We have a joint account. That money belonged to both of us. You had no right to take it without discussing it first!”
He accused me of being selfish and not understanding what it’s like to be a parent. He said Jennifer was desperate and he couldn’t just ignore his kids’ needs. He said if I really loved him, I’d understand that his children come first, always.
I told him I wasn’t asking him to choose between me and his kids—I was asking him to treat me like a partner and include me in major financial decisions. He said there wasn’t time, that Jennifer needed the money immediately or they’d lose the house.
We fought for hours. Eventually, he left and went to stay at his brother’s place. That was four days ago, and we’ve barely spoken since.
Here’s where it gets worse. I called my friend “Amanda” to vent, and she had an interesting perspective. Amanda is a family lawyer, and she started asking questions about Ryan’s divorce decree and child support arrangement. I’d never really looked at the details—I figured it was Ryan’s business. But Amanda convinced me that if I was going to marry this man, I should understand his financial obligations.
I found the divorce papers in Ryan’s home office. According to the decree, Ryan pays $1,800 per month in child support. The decree explicitly states that this support covers the children’s basic needs, education, and standard extracurricular activities. It also states that any extraordinary expenses (medical, dental, etc.) should be split 50/50 between both parents, with prior discussion and agreement.
There’s nothing in that decree that makes Ryan responsible for Jennifer’s mortgage or household expenses. Nothing that says he has to cover costs that are clearly within the scope of what child support is meant to cover. Amanda said that things like braces might qualify as an extraordinary expense that should be split, but that would be maybe $1,500-$3,000 at most (depending on insurance), and definitely not Ryan’s sole responsibility.
I also started thinking about the numbers. If Jennifer and Brad are behind on their mortgage to the point of losing the house, $12,000 isn’t going to fix that problem—it’s a temporary band-aid. And if Brad just lost his job, he should be getting unemployment benefits. Something wasn’t adding up.
So I did something I’m not proud of. I looked at Ryan’s phone records (we’re on the same plan, so I have access). He and Jennifer have been talking and texting constantly—way more than seems necessary for co-parenting. Multiple calls per day, texts at all hours. I started reading through some of the messages.
The messages were friendly. Too friendly. Lots of “thank you so much, you’re amazing” and “I don’t know what I’d do without you” from Jennifer. Heart emojis. References to conversations they’d had that seemed more personal than co-parenting required. Nothing explicitly romantic, but definitely more intimate than I was comfortable with.
One text from Jennifer, sent two weeks ago: “Brad and I had another huge fight about money. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake. You always took care of us.”
Ryan’s response: “You know I’m always here for you and the kids. Whatever you need.”
Another text from Jennifer, sent the day after Ryan gave her the money: “You’re my hero. Seriously. I’m so lucky the kids have you as their dad. Brad could never. ❤️”
I felt sick. This wasn’t just about helping his kids. There was an emotional component here that Ryan had never mentioned. I texted him and asked him to come home so we could talk.
When he arrived, I showed him the divorce decree. “Did you know that child support is supposed to cover most of what you gave Jennifer money for?”
He got uncomfortable. “It’s not that simple. The kids have needs—”
“Ryan, be honest with me. Is this really about the kids, or is this about Jennifer?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I saw the texts. The constant communication. Her calling you her hero. Her saying Brad ‘could never’ do what you do. This feels like more than co-parenting.”
He exploded. Accused me of invading his privacy, said I had no right to look at his messages, called me jealous and insecure. He said Jennifer was the mother of his children and of course they were close, and I was being ridiculous if I thought there was anything inappropriate happening.
“Then why didn’t you tell me she was asking you for money? Why did you sneak around and withdraw our savings without discussing it with me first?”
“Because I knew you’d make it into some jealousy thing! I knew you couldn’t handle me having a relationship with my ex!”
“It’s not about you having a relationship with her—it’s about you prioritizing her needs over our partnership! We’re supposed to get married in three weeks, Ryan! We’re supposed to be a team! And you just proved that when it comes down to it, she comes first!”
He insisted that wasn’t true, that he loved me, that this was about his kids and nothing else. But he also admitted that he’d felt “protective” of Jennifer since her marriage to Brad started having problems. He said she’d been calling him more often, confiding in him about her relationship struggles, and he felt bad for her.
“So you gave her twelve thousand dollars of our money because you feel bad that her current marriage isn’t working out?”
“It’s not like that! She needed help, and she’s the mother of my children. I can’t just abandon her when she’s struggling.”
“You’re not married to her anymore, Ryan! Her financial problems with her current husband are not your responsibility!”
We went in circles for another hour. Finally, I asked him point-blank: “If you had to choose right now between getting that money back and keeping Jennifer happy, what would you choose?”
He couldn’t answer. That silence told me everything I needed to know.
I asked him to leave again. He’s been staying with his brother for the past two days, and now our families are involved. His mom called me crying, saying I was being unreasonable and that “family comes first.” I pointed out that I was supposed to become his family in three weeks, and she got quiet.
My parents are furious on my behalf. My dad, who’s been helping pay for part of the wedding, said if Ryan can give away $12,000 without discussion, maybe he’s not mature enough for marriage. My bridesmaids are split—some think I should postpone the wedding, others think I’m overreacting about what amounts to Ryan being a good dad.
But here’s what’s really bothering me: I talked to Mason and Harper’s stepmom on Jennifer’s side—Brad’s ex-wife from his previous marriage. She reached out to me through social media after apparently hearing about the situation through the kids. She told me that Jennifer has been asking Brad for money too, claiming various emergencies with the kids. Brad’s ex said Jennifer has a pattern of exaggerating financial problems and playing the “for the children” card to manipulate people.
She also said that Jennifer and Brad’s financial problems are largely self-inflicted—they bought a house they couldn’t afford, Jennifer quit her full-time job to do part-time work from home, and they’ve been living beyond their means. The “losing the house” situation is real, but it’s because they refinanced to buy a boat and a new car last year.
A boat. And a new car. And now Ryan gave them $12,000 of our honeymoon savings because they’re “struggling.”
I confronted Ryan with this information. He accused me of “investigating” his ex-wife and said even if it’s true, his kids still need support. I asked him if he even verified what Jennifer was going to use the money for. He admitted he hadn’t—he’d just trusted her because “she’s their mom.”
“So you trusted her with our twelve thousand dollars based on her word alone, but you didn’t trust me enough to even have a conversation before giving it to her?”
He had no answer for that.
I’ve been calling around, trying to figure out our options. Legally, because it was a joint account and he’s an authorized user, he had the right to withdraw the money. I can’t force him to get it back. Morally, though? He betrayed my trust in the worst way.
The wedding is in nineteen days. We’ve paid for the venue, the caterer, the photographer. My dress is hanging in my closet with the tags still on. The invitations went out months ago. Our families have plane tickets. And I’m sitting here wondering if I even want to marry someone who would do this.
Ryan keeps texting, saying he’s sorry for not discussing it with me first, but he’s not sorry for helping his kids. He says if I can’t understand that his children will always be his priority, maybe we shouldn’t get married. He’s essentially putting it on me—either I accept that Jennifer can come to him for money anytime she claims it’s for the kids, or I walk away.
Some people have told me I’m being selfish. That of course his kids come first, and if I can’t handle that, I shouldn’t marry a man with children. But this isn’t about the kids coming first—it’s about partnership, communication, and boundaries. It’s about the fact that he gave away a huge amount of our shared money without even asking me. It’s about the inappropriate emotional relationship he seems to have with his ex-wife. It’s about him prioritizing her feelings over mine.
I talked to Jennifer directly yesterday. I called her and said I wanted to understand what the money was being used for. She was surprised that I didn’t know about it—Ryan had apparently told her that we’d discussed it and agreed together. When I told her that was a lie, she got defensive and said it wasn’t her job to verify what Ryan told her about his relationship.
I asked her specifically what she needed the money for. She listed: catching up on mortgage payments ($5,000), Mason’s braces ($3,500), Harper’s laptop ($1,200), some medical bills ($800), and “various expenses for the kids” ($1,500). When I asked about the boat and the new car, she hung up on me.
Ryan is furious that I contacted Jennifer. He says I “went behind his back” and “created drama.” The irony of him saying I went behind his back is not lost on me.
His kids called me yesterday. Harper was crying, saying she heard that the wedding might not happen and asking if it was her fault. My heart broke. I told her that it had nothing to do with her or Mason, that I loved them both, and that the adults were figuring some things out. Mason got on the phone and said, “My mom said you don’t want Dad helping us.” I told him that wasn’t true, that I wanted his dad to help them, but that adults need to talk to each other before making big decisions.
That conversation made me realize something: Jennifer is already positioning this as me being the evil stepmom who doesn’t care about the kids. If I marry Ryan, this is what my life will be. Every time Jennifer has a “crisis,” Ryan will give her money, and if I object, I’ll be the selfish one who doesn’t care about the children.
Ryan’s brother “Mike” called me last night. He said Ryan has been a mess, barely sleeping, and he wanted me to know that Ryan does love me. But then Mike said something interesting: “Ryan has always had trouble saying no to Jennifer. Even after the divorce, she’d call and he’d drop everything. It drove his last girlfriend crazy—that’s part of why they broke up.”
Ryan had a serious girlfriend before me. He’d mentioned her briefly—they dated for about a year, two years before I met him. He said it “just didn’t work out.” Now I’m wondering if this exact same situation happened with her. If Jennifer asked for money, Ryan gave it to her, and the girlfriend couldn’t handle the boundary violations.
I asked Mike directly if Jennifer had asked Ryan for money before. He hesitated, then admitted that yes, it had happened multiple times over the years. Usually smaller amounts—$1,000 here, $2,000 there—but it was a pattern. Mike said Ryan feels guilty about the divorce, even though it was Jennifer who wanted it, and he overcompensates by trying to solve all her problems.
So this isn’t a one-time emergency. This is a pattern of behavior that Ryan has hidden from me. And I’m supposed to marry into this dynamic in less than three weeks?
My therapist, in an emergency session yesterday, asked me a question that’s been haunting me: “If nothing changes—if Ryan continues to prioritize Jennifer’s requests over your partnership, if he continues to make major financial decisions without you, if he continues to maintain an emotionally inappropriate relationship with his ex-wife—can you live with that for the rest of your life?”
The answer is no. I can’t. I won’t.
I told Ryan this morning that I need him to do three things before I’ll even consider going through with the wedding: First, he needs to ask Jennifer to return the money, or at least the portion that wasn’t actually necessary for the kids. Second, he needs to establish clear boundaries with Jennifer—in writing, through their lawyers if necessary—about what financial responsibilities he has versus what are her and Brad’s responsibilities. Third, he needs to start couples counseling with me immediately, with a therapist who specializes in blended families and boundary issues.
His response: “I can’t ask Jennifer for the money back. She’s already used it, and it would devastate the kids. And I’m not going to treat her like an enemy just because you’re jealous. If those are your conditions, then maybe we’re not meant to be married.”
So there it is. He’s choosing to protect Jennifer’s feelings over our relationship. He’s choosing to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with his ex-wife over respecting my very reasonable boundaries. He’s essentially choosing her over me.
I’m calling off the wedding. Not postponing—calling it off. Because if he can do this now, before we’re even married, when we should be in the excited honeymoon phase of our relationship, what will he do after we’re married? After we have kids together? After our finances are even more entangled?
My parents are supportive. My bridesmaids are helping me make calls to vendors to cancel everything we can. We’ll lose some deposits, but not as much as I feared. My dad hugged me this morning and said, “Better to lose some money now than to lose years of your life to the wrong person.”
Ryan is telling everyone that I’m calling off the wedding because I “can’t handle” him having kids and an ex-wife. He’s painting me as selfish and immature. Jennifer apparently told the kids that “Sarah decided she doesn’t want to be part of our family,” which is a cruel lie that’s making this so much harder.
But I know the truth. I’m not calling off the wedding because of his kids or his ex-wife. I’m calling it off because he proved that he’s not ready to be a true partner. He showed me that when it matters, he’ll choose the path of least resistance over standing up for our relationship. He demonstrated that his ex-wife’s comfort matters more to him than my feelings, my financial security, or our future together.
I’m heartbroken. I’m angry. I’m embarrassed to have to tell people that the wedding is off. But I’m also relieved. Because I almost married someone who would have made me feel like a second-class citizen in my own marriage. Someone who would have continued to put his ex-wife’s needs above mine, indefinitely, under the guise of “it’s for the kids.”
The kids deserve a good father. I deserve a good partner. And Ryan has proven he can’t be both—at least not with me, and not while Jennifer has this much influence over him.
UPDATE: Mason and Harper’s biological mom (Jennifer) posted on social media that I “abandoned” Ryan and the kids right before the wedding because I “couldn’t handle being a stepmom.” The post has gotten a lot of traction, and people who don’t know the full story are calling me horrible names. I’m trying to take the high road and not engage, but it’s hard. My lawyer is looking into whether the post is defamatory. Meanwhile, Ryan still hasn’t asked for any of the money back, and according to Mike, he’s already talking about “working things out” with Jennifer. I dodged a bullet.
